Dear
you,
How’s
everything?
I hope
life treat you well. And if it doesn’t, I hope people did.
Mine?
It’s been great. Awesome. Amazing.
Yet
exhausted.
Living
alone all by myself in this never-sleep city is suck. I miss my mom, my sister,
my dad, and god i never thought i’m gonna say this but yea i miss my brother
too. I miss home. And i really mean it. It doesn’t mean i don't want to be here
but I miss them, really bad. There’s no rules here. No curfew. I could go
whereever i want to, i could eat whatever i want to, i could do whatever i want
to. It’s like nobody’s care. I wake up, take a bath, go to class, socialize,
and come back to my flat, do some papers, do the laundry, cook sometimes, wash
the dish, throw the garbage, clean my room, watch netflix, and then sleep. All
repeat. Everyday. Like there is no excitement. I don't know if it’s just some
kind of a phase that I need to go through before finally could ‘be free’.
Sometimes there are question running through my head ‘am I allowed to feel like
this?’ ‘am I the only one who feel like this’ ‘does my friend or anyone my age
feels the same?’
When
i have a day-off, then it’s just me and my laptop. No sun, no life. I feel
bored and lonely. I want to go out but i don't have that much money. I want to
go to my friend’s but they have their own things and sometimes people are just
suck. And in those moments, I really really miss my family. My house will never
be this quite. My sister and I make a great team when it comes to build a
noise. My brother will angry to us. And then come my mother with her soft voice
to calm him. And my father, ready to give his long long advice to the three of
us. How gold, but so far like the sky..
I’m
gonna turn 21 this year and to say that I am not ready to face the adulthood
would be an understatement. Because for fuck’s sake I really am not. I’m a
mommy’s little girl. Everything I did today, I tell my mom the next day. I am
such a child and I know that. Is it bad? Do I have to change that in order to
be a grown up woman? Do I?
It’s
frightening, you know. Those thought about the future, about being an adult. It’s
like i’m not ready but time keeps moving. And I’m scared of life. I’m scared of
me.
No regret,
though. We are allow to question who we are, right? It’s not that I am
complaining, in fact I’m enjoying this. This is what i want. This is what i
choose. I earn this. And i’m so grateful to be here. But sometimes it just
doesn’t make any sense, huh?
Or
maybe it will. Just wait for the time.
There is a beautiful life before us and
beyond us, and it’ rarely ever going to make sense. –clearly not me
Sincerely,
A
Ps:
just so you know I miss blogging so much and dont worry, I am still cute as I
always be :)
